My own lonely heart...

Bismillahirrahmannirrahim.

Salam to all readers.

It was never what I wanted. I don't want it to happen again. After all that I have been through, I was traumatized. But it did.

Friday, 11 May 2012

Assalamualaikum my dear heart.

I have come knocking on your door today, on a blessed Friday, hoping you would give me a chance to mend your broken pieces. Letting me wipe away the tears and blood, take away the pain and suffering. I'm sorry I have neglected you for the past two years. I turned deaf ears to your screams of loneliness. I have no intention to hurt you, but only to find what is right and what is wrong.

And I've found Him, Allah al-Mighty to be the only one who can, only He who has the power, only He is the most Merciful, who would be able to ease your sorrows. Through Him, I found a better way to love. And with His love, I repaired you bit by bit.

This has led me to him, my knight in shining armor. His fierce and rough exterior opens up to a soft and loving interior. Silently, little by little, he made me realize that there is a silver lining in every cloud and there would be rainbow after each thunderstorm. He had lifted away my fears to love another person. His honesty and straightforwardness made me able to trust again.

But deep inside there is still questions.... will he be able to be my Imam? Would he be able to guide me to a life that I'm yearning to have? For me & my family? Would he be able to accept all my flaws? Would he be able to be my strength, mentally, physically and spritually? Would he love me till Jannah?

How would I know if he is for me? I'm tired of being hurt and being let down. I don't have high expectations only for him to love me because of Allah and lead me, guide me, be my friend and soulmate. The answers to this would be isthikarah. The rest is mysteries of life that has been set in stone when we were 120days old in our mothers womb.

I talked about this briefly with my life and my heart. My life had seen me hurt twice before and I would understand if he doesn't want me to get hurt again. But if the guy could be my Imam, could be relied on on matters of the earth and afterlife, by all means. My heart is 1000% against it. She wants me for herself, only willing to share me with my new extended family. She even considered them as her brothers and sisters already and refuse to go back to Johor for the upcoming holidays because wanted to spend time with them.

I'm in a real dilemma now. One day, both of them will have their own family. And I'll be alone. Not that I can not be on my own but in each book I read, the things I've learnt in the past about how easy it is for a wife to get blessings from Allah s.w.t, how easy is for married couples to get pahala even from the small things they do. It made me ask myself, what kind of life do I really want. Do I really wanted to be alone?

My past hasn't been rosy, I admit that. I blame it on myself, no one else. The decisions I made before was not based on my faith, but lust. I have now left it all to Allah s.w.t as He knows what he has in store for me as I strive to be a better person.

Then, my knight gave me this song. 

Just listening to it made my tears fell. What have I done to deserve such a person in my life? How could he love me so willingly even when I have told him all the worst things about me? How could he love me so easily as though all this years he had been waiting for me? I suddenly felt so scared as it is too good to be true. All I wanted in a person, he has it. I'm so scared, I have goosebumps all over just thinking of it. Ya Allah, if this person is meant for me, please protect this relationship till it becomes halal and further on to Jannah. Ya Allah, if this is what you have planned for me, I'll accept wholeheartedly as I believe and I have placed all my faith on you Ar Rahman Ar Rahim.

Dearest readers...

Please pray for me... for strength, for patience and for love.


  

ABOY IS BACK!!!

Hehehe... Hi there readers,

Most of you must be wondering... who is this ABOY. This is the story....

1989, the first time I set foot to Sekolah Tunku Ampuan Durah, Seremban was the first time I started life as "budak hostel" - dorm kid. I actually wanted to attend Sek Men Vokasional (Perdagangan) Johor Bahru, but my dad sent me here instead. Closer to your brother, he said. Mr elder brother was a student of a full board school next door, Sekolah Datuk Abdul Razak or better known as SDAR. So, I began my life being a STADian.

I came to that school with a waist long hair. Thick and shiny black. Always in pony tail. But living in a hostel, time to take care of the hair is limited. I have time only to wash my hair late night, drying it by sitting under the fan when everyone else is fast asleep. No hair dryer allowed. So the first time I get to go home for the holidays, I pleaded to my father, I told him I needed to cut my hair due to that reason.

"Okay", he said. So he took me to a hair saloon in Selayang Jaya. He told the stylist to trim my hair while he went off to do some errands. My brain whirred... "Only a trim??", I thought. I sneaked out from the saloon and went into an Indian barber shop next door. "Aya! Potong pendek! Tapak satu... cepat ya!" (Aya - a name we call the old Indian guy, father in Indian - I think) ( Tapak satu - is the thiness of blade used on the electric razor) The result was very very short hair a.k.a GI Joe style. When I came out, my father was looking for me at the saloon. He saw me outside, speechless... (or did he said something and I don't remember) Anyway, we went home, nothing could be done to undo it. (My reasoning was the hair will grow back anyway). It was almost Aidilfitri and on that Aidilfitri, my father's family came from Johor and we had a "kenduri" at home. I was wearing a "baju kurung" with spiky hair. I remembered being chided about my hair but I couldn't care less. I wore a white "selendang" over my head so as not to be too obvious.

Came the time I had to go back to school. Happy with my new hair but turning heads at the dormitory. Then the orientation week started. You know how dorm kids normally have nicknames for freshies. I was a freshie, always wearing black, whether baju kurung, t-shirts etc. They gave me the name Kelawar (Bat) because of that. We had to wear a placard with our freshie names everywhere except for school for a whole week. Someone else added the word BOY to my placard - due to my short hair and the fact that I am quite boyish myself. Orientation week over, placard kept away and the name Kelawar was forgotten. Only BOY remained and they called me ABOY ever since. Even when I had longer hair when I was in Form 5. Till today, whenever I met some of the STADians, they would still remember me as ABOY.

Now, you would be wondering why I said ABOY IS BACK!. Because ABOY is back... this time with a BANG!

During my teen years I loved the song, Nothing Compares To You by Sinead O'Connor... and I loved the song still.

See the hair???.... Only I'm "hairless" Hahahaha...Yup! I went crazy this time and have gone full monty with the head. Totally bald. Like my son once was.

Same Aya shop 23 years ago - different Aya. He thought that I wanted to cut my daughter's hair, who also has short hair and he thought she was a boy. His eyes when round when I told him I wanted to cut my hair. Reluctantly but laughing, he did as told. Told him that it would make no difference as I am wearing a tudung (headcover). I knew I should have gone to a female saloon but they wouldn't have the preciseness of a barber shop. Moreover its much cheaper... only RM10 compared to a saloon which will be no less than RM35. Over and done with. No more sweeping hair off the floor on a daily basis as my hair falls a lot. No more dandruff. Gone with the itchiness :)

It felt funny but totally airy and light. Loving it. Might consider maintaining it this way from this day forward. Surely those ladies at the office surau will be in shock, but the novelty will pass. Meanwhile, I'm enjoying it. ^-^

Oh ya... I treated myself & mom to spa today. It was very last minute as they actually called to cancel my appointment in another branch for the 5th. Enjoyed the long awaited massage session... Blissful.

Back to the office tomorrow after 4 days break. Registering for a new semester this Sunday. Another exam on the 19th to prepare for. Rejuvenated and looking forward to the hustle and bustle of being busy.

Till next time dearest... Ciou!