My own lonely heart...

Bismillahirrahmannirrahim.

Salam to all readers.

It was never what I wanted. I don't want it to happen again. After all that I have been through, I was traumatized. But it did.

Friday, 11 May 2012

Assalamualaikum my dear heart.

I have come knocking on your door today, on a blessed Friday, hoping you would give me a chance to mend your broken pieces. Letting me wipe away the tears and blood, take away the pain and suffering. I'm sorry I have neglected you for the past two years. I turned deaf ears to your screams of loneliness. I have no intention to hurt you, but only to find what is right and what is wrong.

And I've found Him, Allah al-Mighty to be the only one who can, only He who has the power, only He is the most Merciful, who would be able to ease your sorrows. Through Him, I found a better way to love. And with His love, I repaired you bit by bit.

This has led me to him, my knight in shining armor. His fierce and rough exterior opens up to a soft and loving interior. Silently, little by little, he made me realize that there is a silver lining in every cloud and there would be rainbow after each thunderstorm. He had lifted away my fears to love another person. His honesty and straightforwardness made me able to trust again.

But deep inside there is still questions.... will he be able to be my Imam? Would he be able to guide me to a life that I'm yearning to have? For me & my family? Would he be able to accept all my flaws? Would he be able to be my strength, mentally, physically and spritually? Would he love me till Jannah?

How would I know if he is for me? I'm tired of being hurt and being let down. I don't have high expectations only for him to love me because of Allah and lead me, guide me, be my friend and soulmate. The answers to this would be isthikarah. The rest is mysteries of life that has been set in stone when we were 120days old in our mothers womb.

I talked about this briefly with my life and my heart. My life had seen me hurt twice before and I would understand if he doesn't want me to get hurt again. But if the guy could be my Imam, could be relied on on matters of the earth and afterlife, by all means. My heart is 1000% against it. She wants me for herself, only willing to share me with my new extended family. She even considered them as her brothers and sisters already and refuse to go back to Johor for the upcoming holidays because wanted to spend time with them.

I'm in a real dilemma now. One day, both of them will have their own family. And I'll be alone. Not that I can not be on my own but in each book I read, the things I've learnt in the past about how easy it is for a wife to get blessings from Allah s.w.t, how easy is for married couples to get pahala even from the small things they do. It made me ask myself, what kind of life do I really want. Do I really wanted to be alone?

My past hasn't been rosy, I admit that. I blame it on myself, no one else. The decisions I made before was not based on my faith, but lust. I have now left it all to Allah s.w.t as He knows what he has in store for me as I strive to be a better person.

Then, my knight gave me this song. 

Just listening to it made my tears fell. What have I done to deserve such a person in my life? How could he love me so willingly even when I have told him all the worst things about me? How could he love me so easily as though all this years he had been waiting for me? I suddenly felt so scared as it is too good to be true. All I wanted in a person, he has it. I'm so scared, I have goosebumps all over just thinking of it. Ya Allah, if this person is meant for me, please protect this relationship till it becomes halal and further on to Jannah. Ya Allah, if this is what you have planned for me, I'll accept wholeheartedly as I believe and I have placed all my faith on you Ar Rahman Ar Rahim.

Dearest readers...

Please pray for me... for strength, for patience and for love.


  

ABOY IS BACK!!!

Hehehe... Hi there readers,

Most of you must be wondering... who is this ABOY. This is the story....

1989, the first time I set foot to Sekolah Tunku Ampuan Durah, Seremban was the first time I started life as "budak hostel" - dorm kid. I actually wanted to attend Sek Men Vokasional (Perdagangan) Johor Bahru, but my dad sent me here instead. Closer to your brother, he said. Mr elder brother was a student of a full board school next door, Sekolah Datuk Abdul Razak or better known as SDAR. So, I began my life being a STADian.

I came to that school with a waist long hair. Thick and shiny black. Always in pony tail. But living in a hostel, time to take care of the hair is limited. I have time only to wash my hair late night, drying it by sitting under the fan when everyone else is fast asleep. No hair dryer allowed. So the first time I get to go home for the holidays, I pleaded to my father, I told him I needed to cut my hair due to that reason.

"Okay", he said. So he took me to a hair saloon in Selayang Jaya. He told the stylist to trim my hair while he went off to do some errands. My brain whirred... "Only a trim??", I thought. I sneaked out from the saloon and went into an Indian barber shop next door. "Aya! Potong pendek! Tapak satu... cepat ya!" (Aya - a name we call the old Indian guy, father in Indian - I think) ( Tapak satu - is the thiness of blade used on the electric razor) The result was very very short hair a.k.a GI Joe style. When I came out, my father was looking for me at the saloon. He saw me outside, speechless... (or did he said something and I don't remember) Anyway, we went home, nothing could be done to undo it. (My reasoning was the hair will grow back anyway). It was almost Aidilfitri and on that Aidilfitri, my father's family came from Johor and we had a "kenduri" at home. I was wearing a "baju kurung" with spiky hair. I remembered being chided about my hair but I couldn't care less. I wore a white "selendang" over my head so as not to be too obvious.

Came the time I had to go back to school. Happy with my new hair but turning heads at the dormitory. Then the orientation week started. You know how dorm kids normally have nicknames for freshies. I was a freshie, always wearing black, whether baju kurung, t-shirts etc. They gave me the name Kelawar (Bat) because of that. We had to wear a placard with our freshie names everywhere except for school for a whole week. Someone else added the word BOY to my placard - due to my short hair and the fact that I am quite boyish myself. Orientation week over, placard kept away and the name Kelawar was forgotten. Only BOY remained and they called me ABOY ever since. Even when I had longer hair when I was in Form 5. Till today, whenever I met some of the STADians, they would still remember me as ABOY.

Now, you would be wondering why I said ABOY IS BACK!. Because ABOY is back... this time with a BANG!

During my teen years I loved the song, Nothing Compares To You by Sinead O'Connor... and I loved the song still.

See the hair???.... Only I'm "hairless" Hahahaha...Yup! I went crazy this time and have gone full monty with the head. Totally bald. Like my son once was.

Same Aya shop 23 years ago - different Aya. He thought that I wanted to cut my daughter's hair, who also has short hair and he thought she was a boy. His eyes when round when I told him I wanted to cut my hair. Reluctantly but laughing, he did as told. Told him that it would make no difference as I am wearing a tudung (headcover). I knew I should have gone to a female saloon but they wouldn't have the preciseness of a barber shop. Moreover its much cheaper... only RM10 compared to a saloon which will be no less than RM35. Over and done with. No more sweeping hair off the floor on a daily basis as my hair falls a lot. No more dandruff. Gone with the itchiness :)

It felt funny but totally airy and light. Loving it. Might consider maintaining it this way from this day forward. Surely those ladies at the office surau will be in shock, but the novelty will pass. Meanwhile, I'm enjoying it. ^-^

Oh ya... I treated myself & mom to spa today. It was very last minute as they actually called to cancel my appointment in another branch for the 5th. Enjoyed the long awaited massage session... Blissful.

Back to the office tomorrow after 4 days break. Registering for a new semester this Sunday. Another exam on the 19th to prepare for. Rejuvenated and looking forward to the hustle and bustle of being busy.

Till next time dearest... Ciou! 

Love...

Love...
I never want to talk about you...
I never want to think of you...
But the truth is...
I've missed you.

Love...
Whatever happened, you've been a crucial part of my life.
A part that I've always hoped to be better
But I know it can never be...
Everything happens with a reason...
Only He knows whats best.

Love...
Maybe this is the best for us...
Just so you know,
there is never one second
this heart did not wish
you are here with me.

Salam.

Exam month!

Alright!!! April is approaching... meaning its exam month! Been busy lately with work, assignment and work. Tomorrow will be going to a few bridal houses, looking at wedding packages, set up & dresses.

So start Monday, I would need to put some hours to exam preparation. With 1st paper starting on the 7th, I don't have a lot of time. Wishing for a break but so much to do so little time. April exam, May register, June op, August exam, Sept register, Sept wedding, Dec exam, January register, February wedding, April exam ... and the list goes...

Anyway, I still have some spa voucher and my monthly treatment. Its a few hours of escape I really look forward to. And my daily dose of CA family time :)

Okay readers, got to go now... Till next time, I'll leave you with this amazing rendition. Enjoy!

When two hearts unite...

Today marks a very special moment in my life... extra special for my dearest life...

I've set my heart on this angel since the day I knew of her existence. I had hoped that one day, this angel will bring light to our broken souls. When I got to know more about her, I knew I've made the right choice for my life. To me, she is truly an angel. A godsend. 

Went to her family's house with one thing in mind. I want her.... and I know my life will be happy with her. Amids jokes and laughter, I took out the ring I've brought. A booking fee... for a lifetime of blessings from Illahi. Alhamdulillah, everything went smoothly. The easiness shows how ArRahman ArRahim bless this intended union. As though it has been written in His books ... for my life and his angel.

For my life... my days are counted. One day I will not be around to share your joys and your sorrows. I present to you this angel, to wipe your tears when I'm gone, to care for you in your sickness, to laugh with you when you are happy. She is created for you from your ribs, to safeguard the most important thing in your life... your heart. Cherish her... love her... for Allah s.w.t has sent you the most precious gift anyone could ever ask for... your guardian angel... your soul mate. My life, forgive me as I have not been a perfect person. I've failed to show you the righteous path. I failed to guide you as I should have. My only hope is to redeem my wrongdoings through this angel, as I trust she would be able to fill the void I had left. 

For my angel... I give you my life. The most precious gift Allah s.w.t has given me. Care for him as you would care yourself. Forgive him for all his lacking as it is due to my ignorance, guide him to be a better person... a better khalifah. For I know, you are the guiding light of his soul.

I pray for your happiness... pray you'll be blessed always. Be a partner and a friend. A teacher and a student. Share knowledge and learn from each other. You will always be my life, the love of my life ... and my angel... you are my beautiful happiness. 

UNLIKE!!!

I like what you wrote ...

As it reminded me...

You are as you'll always be.

I like what you say...

It reflected the kind of person you are...

Although you deny it...

Action speaks louder than words.

I like your reaction...

It showed how immature and childish you can be...

And revealed your own stupidity...

I like how your mind is so set...

I'm sure you think you are one of His chosen ones...

That all your prayers will be answered...

No matter good or bad.

I like that you are so sure you think you know more about it...

Since you are brought up by those who are strict in religion...

As your friends are among the pious people...

And you yourself talk about performing the Umrah...

Talk about the blackness of other people's heart...

As though your heart is so pure.

But I UNLIKE when you placed the blame on Allah s.w.t...

Saying it's Him who moved your hands to type what you typed...

As though your words were His words.

And I UNLIKE the brains that Allah s.w.t has given to you...

How it is not used thoughtfully as how Allah s.w.t meant it to be...

How frustrations so quickly diminish all the greatness in you...

How anger so hotly envelop your soul...

And how easily you lose.

So, there is a Malay proverb...

Terlajak perahu boleh di undur, terlajak kata buruk padahnya.

As such, I'll refrain myself for saying anything more...

Since as you have mentioned that I'm stupid...

I would rather use my stupid brains for other stuff...

Then use it to think of you, about you...

'Cause it is VERY UNLIKELY that I'LL LIKE.

March is here!!!

3rd month in the year... What have I achieved so far?

1) I love my new job, new workplace and new friends.

Being a Secretary is something I enjoy very much. Most people would ask, why not being a BOSS instead? I've tried being a boss before. And failed miserably. I'm a creature of discipline but I can never discipline myself. I prefer to have guidelines to follow and my most important guideline will be the one set by Allah s.w.t.

My new workplace is dubbed as an old folks home. It's a law firm where no one willingly or forcibly resigns. You can work as long as you want. There is no retirement age. Those who resigns are people who wanted a career change or higher pay. And mostly those who did resign are young people who feels out of place in a snail paced environment. The building I work in offers prayer rooms and also daily talks during lunch time which I enjoy attending since day 1.

My new friends consists of both young and experienced people from different walks of life. Although there were some initial confusions on my status but all have been ironed out and I managed to keep the relationship cordial & work-related.

2) Getting better in scootering.

Reflecting back on my first post about Pinky, how scared and nervous I was then. Now I feel more comfortable and a little braver. Going 60-70 kmh mostly but still wobbly when it comes to sneaking in and out traffic. With headphones on, I'd keep to my left and enjoy Surah Yassin while commuting to & fro from work. I've even started having a pillion rider but only for short distances.

3) Reshuffling finances.

Getting my first full pay on the dot after 1 1/2 years is a blessing. This time, I will follow the steps taken by those in the Astro TV series (I forgot the name of the series) where this planner comes into the house, takes a look inside and outside the house, take a look at the participants expenses, gave them challenges and reward them USD5000 if they passed. No doubt no one will be giving me USD5000 if I passed, but I look forward to a better way of managing my finances. 1st step... CUT THE CREDIT CARD!

Now... If only I can write my assignments as well as I write my blog... Tsk... tsk... tsk!

Ciou!