My own lonely heart...

Bismillahirrahmannirrahim.

Salam to all readers.

It was never what I wanted. I don't want it to happen again. After all that I have been through, I was traumatized. But it did.

Friday, 11 May 2012

Assalamualaikum my dear heart.

I have come knocking on your door today, on a blessed Friday, hoping you would give me a chance to mend your broken pieces. Letting me wipe away the tears and blood, take away the pain and suffering. I'm sorry I have neglected you for the past two years. I turned deaf ears to your screams of loneliness. I have no intention to hurt you, but only to find what is right and what is wrong.

And I've found Him, Allah al-Mighty to be the only one who can, only He who has the power, only He is the most Merciful, who would be able to ease your sorrows. Through Him, I found a better way to love. And with His love, I repaired you bit by bit.

This has led me to him, my knight in shining armor. His fierce and rough exterior opens up to a soft and loving interior. Silently, little by little, he made me realize that there is a silver lining in every cloud and there would be rainbow after each thunderstorm. He had lifted away my fears to love another person. His honesty and straightforwardness made me able to trust again.

But deep inside there is still questions.... will he be able to be my Imam? Would he be able to guide me to a life that I'm yearning to have? For me & my family? Would he be able to accept all my flaws? Would he be able to be my strength, mentally, physically and spritually? Would he love me till Jannah?

How would I know if he is for me? I'm tired of being hurt and being let down. I don't have high expectations only for him to love me because of Allah and lead me, guide me, be my friend and soulmate. The answers to this would be isthikarah. The rest is mysteries of life that has been set in stone when we were 120days old in our mothers womb.

I talked about this briefly with my life and my heart. My life had seen me hurt twice before and I would understand if he doesn't want me to get hurt again. But if the guy could be my Imam, could be relied on on matters of the earth and afterlife, by all means. My heart is 1000% against it. She wants me for herself, only willing to share me with my new extended family. She even considered them as her brothers and sisters already and refuse to go back to Johor for the upcoming holidays because wanted to spend time with them.

I'm in a real dilemma now. One day, both of them will have their own family. And I'll be alone. Not that I can not be on my own but in each book I read, the things I've learnt in the past about how easy it is for a wife to get blessings from Allah s.w.t, how easy is for married couples to get pahala even from the small things they do. It made me ask myself, what kind of life do I really want. Do I really wanted to be alone?

My past hasn't been rosy, I admit that. I blame it on myself, no one else. The decisions I made before was not based on my faith, but lust. I have now left it all to Allah s.w.t as He knows what he has in store for me as I strive to be a better person.

Then, my knight gave me this song. 

Just listening to it made my tears fell. What have I done to deserve such a person in my life? How could he love me so willingly even when I have told him all the worst things about me? How could he love me so easily as though all this years he had been waiting for me? I suddenly felt so scared as it is too good to be true. All I wanted in a person, he has it. I'm so scared, I have goosebumps all over just thinking of it. Ya Allah, if this person is meant for me, please protect this relationship till it becomes halal and further on to Jannah. Ya Allah, if this is what you have planned for me, I'll accept wholeheartedly as I believe and I have placed all my faith on you Ar Rahman Ar Rahim.

Dearest readers...

Please pray for me... for strength, for patience and for love.